September 11, 2011

Wow, just seeing the date makes me think of the 10 years ago. Have we really come that far though, we think that was so tragic and awful. It was, don’t get me wrong. Yet, there are things going on in our own homes, and backyards that are tragic and awful right now too. Some of those things are even unseen things, moments that are so scary for some people that they cannot share with others. Some experiences are physical and can be seen by all, others are emotional, and others spiritual. A lot of the time it is a combination of all of these, because it is due to the physical mishappenings, then becomes emotional because we cannot rid ourselves of the issues involved, and the spiritual is always involved we may blame God, or not understand His ways in what is happening.

I am having a hard time understanding anything right now. I don’t understand what God is trying to tell or show any of us. I do believe God is talking to us though and trying to make us see something in the light of everything that is going on in the World today. There is a major drought going on in Texas. There is flooding in the northeast. Hurricanes where hurricanes are not usually present. Hurricanes that come on land creating tornadoes, damage. It really makes me wonder what winter will bring.

How has this tragedy really changed our attitudes? Are we a more compassionate people? Or do we just remember because it is the thing to do, what America should do?

It makes my heart hurt today, my heart hurts for the people that lost ones on Sept 11, 2001, it hurts for people who lost loved ones before that date and after that date. It hurts whether those people died a tragic death, a quiet one at home in bed, or whatever the situation might be. IT SIMPLY HURTS!

Our remembrance should be for every loved ones lose, compassion for ones that are dealing with it and love those that are left to pick up the pieces.

I am so full of all kinds of emotions today, I don’t even know where to begin to try and separate or deal with them all. I feel lost in a world where I don’t belong. I don’t feel like my relationship with God is what it should be even though I try to talk to God, I feel like I am so far away how will he ever hear me, and how do I understand if he is talking to me. I feel the losses that I have been through and yearn for those loved ones presence. I long for the loved ones that are still living that I have lost relationships with and don’t know how to put the pieces back together again. I don’t know how the puzzle fits in my life anymore, and don’t have the mind, energy or strength to try to continue to put it back together. I am not the repairer, fixer, cement that can hold it all together, I have to realize that I cannot do it by myself. I am not pursuing repairing those relationships with people that cannot come to me and face me with what they are feeling and understanding about my life. It is always a two way street and I am open to them coming to me but I am not able to continue to pursue things that I don’t know what I did to create such hateful thoughts in others toward me.

I already have a self-esteem problem in myself, it does not help that others continue to pull me down. At this point, I have to pick myself up each morning and tell myself that I am basically a good person and I do have things to offer. I have to tell myself these things just to make it through the day. I tell myself that I do have people that love me and care about me, they may not be close by to give me a hug and tell me face to face that they love me but they are out there. I know that! I know that too, that GOD LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT! These are my thoughts for today, so far.