Sunday, February 5th, 2012

Twenty nine years ago today, I lost the most important person in my life.  My Father.  I still miss him so much today.  It seems like such a long time ago, and yet somehow I remember it like it is today.  My heart will not let it go.  Pain is wrapped up inside of me, tighter than a snare drum, just waiting for a string to break.
I wish that someone else remembered that today was the day that Dad left this earth.  I always feel so alone in my grief for him.  I know it is not natural, yet for me it is... I don't understand and don't expect anyone else to understand either. 
Dad just to hold your hand one more time, hear you snoring, be able to hug you, tell you how much I loved you.  You were my everything, the very foundation that held me up, put me together when I fell apart. 
I am not even making sense now.  All I have is tears rolling down my cheeks and memories of days gone by. 

Nancy

September 11, 2011

Wow, just seeing the date makes me think of the 10 years ago. Have we really come that far though, we think that was so tragic and awful. It was, don’t get me wrong. Yet, there are things going on in our own homes, and backyards that are tragic and awful right now too. Some of those things are even unseen things, moments that are so scary for some people that they cannot share with others. Some experiences are physical and can be seen by all, others are emotional, and others spiritual. A lot of the time it is a combination of all of these, because it is due to the physical mishappenings, then becomes emotional because we cannot rid ourselves of the issues involved, and the spiritual is always involved we may blame God, or not understand His ways in what is happening.

I am having a hard time understanding anything right now. I don’t understand what God is trying to tell or show any of us. I do believe God is talking to us though and trying to make us see something in the light of everything that is going on in the World today. There is a major drought going on in Texas. There is flooding in the northeast. Hurricanes where hurricanes are not usually present. Hurricanes that come on land creating tornadoes, damage. It really makes me wonder what winter will bring.

How has this tragedy really changed our attitudes? Are we a more compassionate people? Or do we just remember because it is the thing to do, what America should do?

It makes my heart hurt today, my heart hurts for the people that lost ones on Sept 11, 2001, it hurts for people who lost loved ones before that date and after that date. It hurts whether those people died a tragic death, a quiet one at home in bed, or whatever the situation might be. IT SIMPLY HURTS!

Our remembrance should be for every loved ones lose, compassion for ones that are dealing with it and love those that are left to pick up the pieces.

I am so full of all kinds of emotions today, I don’t even know where to begin to try and separate or deal with them all. I feel lost in a world where I don’t belong. I don’t feel like my relationship with God is what it should be even though I try to talk to God, I feel like I am so far away how will he ever hear me, and how do I understand if he is talking to me. I feel the losses that I have been through and yearn for those loved ones presence. I long for the loved ones that are still living that I have lost relationships with and don’t know how to put the pieces back together again. I don’t know how the puzzle fits in my life anymore, and don’t have the mind, energy or strength to try to continue to put it back together. I am not the repairer, fixer, cement that can hold it all together, I have to realize that I cannot do it by myself. I am not pursuing repairing those relationships with people that cannot come to me and face me with what they are feeling and understanding about my life. It is always a two way street and I am open to them coming to me but I am not able to continue to pursue things that I don’t know what I did to create such hateful thoughts in others toward me.

I already have a self-esteem problem in myself, it does not help that others continue to pull me down. At this point, I have to pick myself up each morning and tell myself that I am basically a good person and I do have things to offer. I have to tell myself these things just to make it through the day. I tell myself that I do have people that love me and care about me, they may not be close by to give me a hug and tell me face to face that they love me but they are out there. I know that! I know that too, that GOD LOVES ME NO MATTER WHAT! These are my thoughts for today, so far.

Relationships

I don't really know how I have kept and cultivated the relationships that I have but I do know I have some really great ones. It is funny too, because right now I am not really in close contact with them, they all live other places, some closer others far away. It does not matter though because when we do get to talk and visit, it always seems like time has not passed at all. We just immediately pick up where we each are at. I guess I would have to say the one thing that keeps these relationships as they are is that it is mutual. The friends I have value the relationship as much as I do, therefore we both put an effort into it. It is always a two way street, one street has to meet the other.
I can not put a value on my friends and the relationship I have with them. I thank God for them and for putting them in my life. Some have been with me over 15 or more years, some not so long and some just a few years but it does not change the value. Sometimes I wonder why they continue to be a friend but they stick with me through thick and thin. I thank them for that.
I think that is all, now I will just sit and think over the great memories my friends and I have had and for the ones to come.

Communication

Communication is such an important quality to have and achieve. Achieving communication is a work in progress kind of thing, something one has to work on everyday to be a success. It is a risk too to put yourself out there, creating the communication that is needed at times. One thing that is most important about communicating is that one has to listen and hear. Just think if we were all better communicators, there would be less misunderstandings, mutual agreements to disagree, and better relationships as a result. Even our communication with the Father in Heaven could be improved upon. So, next time your in conversation be aware of what your communicating and listening, and hearing.

Sometimes doesn't it just make you sick when you think of the things that are going on in your mind. The thoughts that you may never want anyone else to ever find out about. Maybe it is just simple thoughts that might be embarrassing or silly. Sometimes it is deep thoughts that tend to make us ponder over our lives path, wondering if we are on the right one. Is there a right path?
I tend to think of the negative things in my life. The major issues I might be dealing with at the time. God tells us to think about these things.
"Finally brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things and the God of peace shall be with you. "
Phillipians 4: 8,9

Kitty Fix

Quite an interesting story, I have been wanting to get a puppy or kitty lately. I am allergic to cats though so I really did not need one. So, I found a message on Craigs list asking for someone to please help, they needed a place for their kitty to hang out for a little while. The couple had moved into a home with family, but someone is allergic to cats there too. So, the couple was told that the kitty, named Spunky had to be gone in two days. So, I answered the email and told them I would be glad to watch her for a while. They brought her over will all the supplies, food etc. about 3 days ago. When they dropped her off, they said they had found an apartment so it would probably not be long at all, because they can move in on the First of May.
So, today I got up and was watching TV and did not hear Spunky or see her anywhere. So, I got up and walked through my very small studio, came to the window and noticed there was no screen on the window. It had fallen off, so Spunky had escaped. I was devastated to say the least, how was I going to call this couple and tell them I lost their cat. I got in the car and looked for her but came back empty handed. I sat down and prepared to call the owner, but pleaded to God to help Spunky find her way back.
Right before I was about to call in popped Spunky, thank you Lord for all the small things.
Now, if they just come and get Spunky because I think I have had enough of a fix with kitties for a while. :)

Long Day

It was rainy today! I had made plans to watch the movie SAW IV and SAW V. My friend Marisa and I were going to watch it, since we have seen all of the movies of SAW up to SAW V. We just wanted to review the fourth one. So, she came over at lunch and we started the movie, then decided we could not eat our lunch while the movie played. It is a really bloody movie. Then I had a counseling session to go to, so we went to that, Marisa was just along for the ride. Then we had dinner plans at the preachers house, and then were going to go back to my house and watch the other movie. TC, things change. The preacher said that there was a program at another church in the area about finding a job in 60 days and it started tonight at 7:00 pm. He tells me this at 5 pm something. I don't have my car because I am with Marisa, so he says I will take you, Marisa will understand if you dump her, you really need to go to the class, since I am looking for a job and all. And the session tonight was called " A Dose of Reality" which I thought we all should be going to at that point. So, I ended up taking the preachers car and driving myself and going to the program. Then back to Norm's and then Norm had to drive me home. What a crazy evening! All in all I got my dose of reality, so I guess all it well now. Or something like that and SAW awaits us tomorrow.